My "little" brother is 50 yrs. old and lives in my childhood home with my Dad. My Dad is getting on and having some health issues. When I was a child, my little brother was frustrating, funny, strange and awkward. His autistic behavior brought on bullying and laughter from many people. I learned to protect him from the bullies and expand my sense of humor to embrace the laughter rather than be hurt by it. I also built up my confidence by proudly and proactively explaining his mannerisms to the masses before they could feel afraid, angry or confused.
But then I moved away to college, got married and started my own family. The distance became immense. I was no longer comfortable with his inappropriate staring and his lack of hygiene due to his fear of showers. I could no longer stomach his bizarre habits of picking up trash from the streets, or eating food from the trash, or filling his cup with hot scalding coffee all the way to the actual top of the cup. In vain, I would sweep into town a few times a year and try to clean up his act and change him, all to no avail. The distance became protection.
After my Dad is gone, how will I provide my brother solace, safety and comfort while doing the same for myself? These questions haunt me. Could he live with me? In the words of the band he obsesses over, (Hall & Oats), "I can't go for that, no, no can do..." I need to face my shame and truly begin to answer the question... what will I do with my brother one day? It's a very big question indeed.
Newport Beach, CA
